Losing the Plot - part two

Following on from yesterday's post about our search for property in France, this is what happened on day three. Moving abroad can be such fun ...

We approached the final appointment with fatalistic despair. Handing over our surviving dream pages, we waited for (and received) the information that all three had been sold. This last outing was not as dreadful as the preceding two, as this time we insisted on being told in advance exactly what to expect. Needless to say, we didn’t see any of the derelicts that he had chosen for us, but viewed three other properties with definite potential.

French estate agents are convinced that we Brits are looking for a challenge. Anything that has already been renovated is hidden from our curious eyes. Not for us the centrally heated, double-glazed modern buildings. No, they assume that we require something at least three hundred years old and falling to bits.

The sad thing is, they are right. When we eventually found our perfect house, many months later, it was nothing like the properties we had asked to view. Our request for three bedrooms and two reception rooms with a small garden, somehow converted itself into a dilapidated, seven bedroomed, triple story maison de maître, standing in its own grounds of nearly two acres.

Okay, so maybe they know us better than we know ourselves, but they still don't always tell the truth about the properties on the Internet. In fact, several months after this intitial scouting trip I phoned and asked about a house and was told it had just come on the market – even though, during the preceding six months, it had never left its position as property of the month on their website.

French immobilières may speak with the same forked tongues as British estate agents, but they do have much sexier accents.

Here is a glossary of frequently used terms; swimming aids, for those of you about to dip a toe into the waters of French property purchase.

A little isolated: No neighbours for at least ten miles
Rural: Next door to a dairy farm, flies will be constant summer companions
Needs renovation: No running water, electricity or gas
Partly renovated: Has running water and electricity
Renovated: The property boasts a bathroom attached to the kitchen
Renovated by a charming British couple: Do it yourself job, done on the cheap during holidays spent in France. In addition to the bathroom behind the kitchen, there is a shower cubicle off the salon
Suitable for holiday use: Not fit to be lived in, except during summer months
Easy to maintain garden: Gravel
Land with mature trees: Has a forest attached (local hunters have right of way)
Outbuildings: Various structures on the point of collapse
Gîte income possible: Crumbling outbuildings could be rebuilt as holiday apartments

The above list, although intended to be merely a touch of humour, does illustrate that you cannot take anything on trust when buying property abroad - regardless of the country or how kind and helpful the estate agent may be. The Greatest Moving Abroad Tips in the World